so lately things have been going better. i told him how i felt, basically told him to hate me, but he doesn't...i'm sure he's not happy with me for acting the way that i did, but i dont think he hates me....i hadn't talked to him for almost...hm....for 4 days. i know it doesn't sound like much, but when you're used to talking to someone almost everyday, it kinda starts to get weird not talking to them. I was afraid something was wrong....he's talked about suicide before too....and holy shit that was not a good feeling to wonder if he had actually done it himself. i don't know if he would or not, but there's always the chance. i wanted to call him last night, but i absolutely could NOT get myself to pick up the phone and dial his number. when i did dial it finally, my fingers would freeze on the last few numbers, and i'd hang up. needless to say i was terrified of calling him...so i went to sleep. lol that seems to be how i handle a lot of stuff - by just going to sleep. although its not always the best way....i had some freaky dreams last night because i went to sleep when i was dealing with "problems"... but i talked to him last night, and immediately felt better knowing he still cared...its weird....i've never kept feelings about anybody for this long. i've had some serious crushes, but they lasted at the longest 1 or 2 months. This on the other hand....its been since April...and that's awhile for me. i guess i'll always care for him the way that i do.

blah blah blah enough love crap i'm not in a sappy mood.

i bought a kurt cobain shirt yesterday. its nothing terrible...none of his shirts are terrible. it just had him standing in front of a sign that said "TEENAGE". It was the only shirt that the whoever makes them hadn't changed. All of them except for that one had a page of his journal on the back. i don't agree with having his journal public, and i'm not going to wear a shirt that has that anywhere on it. that's not what kurt cobain was about - his journal. his journal doesn't make him, and it certainly wasn't meant for the public....just those he cared about finding out the real him by reading it. now that i'm totally off topic, here's what i was going to say - my grandma flipped out when she saw it. she drove around the mall parking lot saying that if i took it back, she'd buy me two shirts in place of it. hell no. i bought it for a reason. "hes about suicide and drugs". IF HE WERE ABOUT SUICIDE, AND THAT WAS ALL HE WAS ABOUT, THEN HE WOULD'VE BEEN DEAD HIS WHOLE LIFE. Suicide just made up about 5 seconds of his life. besides, there's so much more to him than that, and she's convinced that its dark and that people will see me as dark and that it'll start talk and people will think differently of me and think of me as depressed and dark and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. i am depressed, and at times dark, so what's wrong with me showing the me right now? nothing. my grandma just cares way too fucking much about APPEARANCE and how i'll come off to other people. well hello, i don't have but 3 friends anyway, so who the fuck cares what other people think about it. wow alright now i sound..........angry? lol i'm not angry...no, wait yes i am. i'm always angry, and i'm becomming more and more cynical too.......ahhhhhhhhh save me katrina!!!!! lol............ okay i need food, so i will finish this later....maybe later as in when i don't sound so......stupid.

Name.

URL.

[to enter your email, use "mailto:youremail@domain.com"]
Subject.

Comment.

Word verification.

Copy the first 4 characters only.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.